Hot Family Photo

I was reading over some of my older blog entries. When I come across one that makes me laugh out loud, I think, “Wow, I AM pretty funny.”

I re-read one from September 24th titled, “A Story About My Hair” where I promised to describe the overall horror of the following photo:


I’m not sure I ever did that so here we go:

I remember I was playing down the street with my friends when my mother called their house in an abrupt fury looking for me. I was to be sent home immediately because we had to be somewhere. I run home, sweating like an adolescent hog and my mother throws this teal sweater with doily collar at me and yells at me to hurry up and put it on. Was she kidnapping us? What was the angry hurry going on? I put it on and remember it feeling like a heated blanket. I was sweating in my t-shirt and shorts and now I’m in a textured sweater? She combed out my mullet, refreshed the bangs and un-knotted the tail. I was ready to go. Where? I still had no idea.

We all loaded in the car and only when we arrive at JCPenney’s photo department do I realize we must be getting family photos. It was unlike my mother to organize family photos. I remember questioning her like, “A family picture? We don’t do stuff like this. Why?” This was the first and last photo of her kids my mother ever scheduled. I’m not sure why we even did this and why there was ever only one.

My jeans, which you’re probably laughing at and puking up your lunch at the same time, are straight up acid washed ridiculousness with exaggerated front pleats. My brother John has a popped collar and Lacoste sweater. I think he was the inspiration for Zach Morris. Although my sister’s hair is long, you can see that most of it resides on her forehead. Those bangs are a massive fortress to be reckoned with. Nobody knows where they end. A true mystery of life. And my little brother was given a front comb over. My mom ALWAYS styled our hair like that, even mine!

I’m not sure why we are all non-matching. My mom could have done a better job with the wardrobe. I’m also not sure why we are all staring off to the right. What is over there that has us all so captivated? And why did that make a good photo? This is a nightmare that belongs somewhere on a website of horrible family photos.

Thank god we all developed our own accepable fashion sense..well, except for John. He traded his popped collar for Ed Hardy. I prefer the popped collar.

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